17- supportive comments on blogs

Yu-xi

Hey sushi,
I think your thesis can be a little more i dont know um I guess in a way bring the reader to be o wow. But maybe you can come up with a good hook to tie in your reader. To get them going, o I need to read this paper.

I love how you start off your 1st body paragraph. It sounds like on of those ads you see on line or as a commercial. I feel like that is very much what technology does to drag you into using it. I also like how you added statistics and numbers in your evidence, giving good examples to how many people use those social networks even got the age group which I never knew, I would have expected younger then 35.

O I like the insight you give on the relationship networks. How you compare us hiding ourselves with the real world and on line, but online is much easier.

I think you can also add feed as an example to argument two. The Feed kept giving them ads from different stores so that they would buy. Violet even had a good quote that was like The corporations are making us easy to market to (something like that). I feel like you can connect this to the world today because there are always ads and commercial trying to get us to buy things. That we most are concerned with wearing the brand labels and who they get to wear the merchandise so that teens or people will buy them.

Just in general pay attention to your grammar but other then that it looks like this will be a very interesting paper. Looking forward to reading it


Charles,

I like how you added in your thesis that because they use technology is because it makes them feel good. I feel like most of time when people go into saying that everyone uses technology alot they do not get into the argument that it is because it makes them feel good. I think having a good hook will make your paper even better, so dont forget that when your writing it full out.

I think you can use Feed as an example where Violet it talking with Titus about things that are going on and he is just sitting there not knowing about any of it and not wanting to know about it. Something else you can add is how the Feed can be passive that even when they all go to a party they are still with in their own heads watching tv or something, like even though they are all watching the same thing, its individual because its linked with in their own mind.

I think another good piece of evidence you can use is the song about the guy and his computer (or it was the internet) but he talks about loving it and how he cant go on without it and that would help support your 2 argument.

Just as a reminder do not forget to work on you spelling and grammar and I can not wait until I read more of it.